Friday, February 4, 2011

You Are Not A Label

Owning your own part in situations can be very empowering. Realizing that there are things about yourself that are things people just don't like about you and will never like about you no matter how much you try to change them will set you free.

I had conflicts with my mother my entire life, always seeking her approval, and no matter what I did I could never win her approval. It was when she was dying that it came ti light why I would never win her approval. She felt I was too strong for her. After she had dragged me through the house by my hair , beating me up side my face call in me a cyber whore, with my sister merrily joining in, she told me that she though my sister needed her more than me because she was declared slow as a child. I was dumbfounded. I have three children myself, one has significant mr/dd delays and is Autistic, one is brilliant and is seeking a Doctorate in in Social Communications and one graduated high school and works at a factory, I love them all equally.

I never did strike my mother back during the assualt, I never struck my mother my entire life. My sister and Mother were constantly at eachother's throats and had a volatile relationship. Perhaps it was the fact my grandfather raised me and I was raised not to strike your parents or elders for that matter.

The Cyber Whore Comment did sting, I will admit. I write naughty stories, does that make me a Cyber Whore?  No. I choose not to own that today.

I was my Mother's Medical Power of Attorney. I had to coordinate her care while she was dying from cancer. I consulted with Oncologists, Radioloigists, Nurses, Nursing Home Care Givers, and Hospice Personnel. I did this and consulted her along the way. I went to visit her as often as I could, and would take my Autistic son to see her. It was hard for me to juggle caretaking duties between him, her and my elderly husband.

I have accepted that I did the best that I could possibly do given the situation.

For awhile it played upon my mind that My Mother thought a Cyber Whore held her as she died, while I envisioned the river for her to cross over to complete her journey, and end her suffering.

Not Anymore.

I don't have to accept labels others place upon me.

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